If I Had a Voice
by kawausa
Summary: Yes, they found her body three blocks away from my house, inside a plastic bag, in a dump. Yes, her friends said she said that she was with me. But I didn't killed her. Fem!Eren/Levi mentions.
1. Emptiness

I don't own any of the characters. They'll all belong to Hajime Isayama.

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1\. Emptiness

I woke up, heavy breathing, my heart racing inside my chest. The nightmare was vivid, like no other before. Worst tan usual. It felt just too real, too frightening. I closed my eyes, trying to calm down my pulse, to convince me that it wasn't real. But maybe it was better to stay in the nightmare than to wake up and crash into reality.

I still couldn't get used to waking up alone, in a bed too big and too cold for me. I can taste cigarrettes and alcohol in my mouth and its gross, but not as much as the sticky, dirty sweat sensation all over my body. The last time I took a shower was...three, four days ago? Before, I'd never let my self do something like that. But now…life was a mess. _My_ life was a mess. Everything was getting worse and worse, without even giving me a break to digest it. I felt lost, whacked, as if the universe was decided to fuck me up.

I got up with a grunt, trying to clear my throat a little, hurt by cigarrette's toxic smoke and the constant feeling of choking. It was early in the morning, not even nine o-clock. But people outside was already busy, ignoring other people's misery. Like me. They were running, having breakfasts, being happy. And I was there, almost dragging myself into the kitchen, looking for a half-clean cup. When it was the good times, the coffe would be already poured into cups and some cheesy but catchy song would fill the house. And she would be there, too. Making pancakes in exchange of a good morning kiss. But shit happens. She wasn't there and she'll never be again. Now she was just a constant part of my imagination.

Coffee tasted like shit, but I drank it up. I took my pone from the counter, the screen flashing with never ending messages and missed calls from my lawyer. I dialed the number and before I could think about anything, he answered.

-I've told you countless times that you have to answer my calls, Levi…

-What do you want? –I asked, not in a mood for a lecture. I heard him sigh and some papers being moved or folded.

-There's a new testimony. I got it one hour ago, by fax. –he said. –I need a new one, from you. Just-

-What? No. I've already gave you my testimony, and I did it like ten thousand fucking times. What can I say to you? –I said, frowning. A new testimony? At this point? That was just pure fucking bullshit. These people just wanted to see me rotting in a cell, I was sure about it. –I've told you what happened that night. And it was the whole truth. What I said is what I know.

-Levi –he made a pause, as he was choosing his words carefully. –I'm doing everything I can to help you and convince the judge you're innocent. –I knew this one. From memory. I could be mouthing his entire speech. –But there's a lot of witnesses against you. Everybody thinks you did it, that you-

- _I did not killed her_. –I hissed, insulted by the mere insinuation. –I'd never laid a finger on her and you know it. You've checked the schedules, you saw the proofs by yourself. –I continued, looking at the kitchen's ceiling. It had some mold stains. –If you want me to repeat what you already heard and know, I will. –I agreed with a heavy sigh. I had nothing left to loose and I wasn't lying.

-Listen, Levi. Homicide is a highly punishable crime. There are testimonials against you and, even if we got proofs, there's nothing settled yet. –he explained and I felt like blood boiled in my veins. –You know that there's nothing that proves or disproves who killed her, but you're the first suspect. You were the last one who saw her alive.

I remained silent for a few seconds. I mumble some kind of goodbye and hung up. If I could've kicked Erwin's ass for being so useless, I swear I've already done it. Multiple times. But that would left me without a lawyer. And nobody could care less about what I was saying if it wasn't written down in a fucking paper, signed by some burocratic pigs. I had enemies everywhere, people hated me. Fuck, I couldn't even go out without having some asshole insulting me or calling me a murderer. They didn't understood a damn thing. Yes, I was the last person who saw Eren alive. Yes, they found her body three blocks away from my house, inside a plastic bag, in a dump. Yes, her friends said she said that she was with me. But I didn't killed her. The mere idea was sickening. I loved her, I would never…

My phone rang again. Not Erwin this time.

-What do you want, four-eyes? –I answered dryly.

-You to open the door, maybe. I passed by Denny's when I was coming, sooo…I had the idea of sharing my breakfast time with you. –Hanji's voice sounded calm, a little annoying, as always, but…like nothing had ever happened. I thought twice before I stood up and go open the door, finding a big shit-eating grin and a plastic bag with the restaurant's logo in it. –Orange juice, some waffles…and bacon! –she chirped, coming inside my house. Hanji was annoying, irritating and fucking noisy most of the time. But she was my last true friend. She was the only one who haven't rejected me and she didn't made a single comment about the mess of a house I had.

-I thought you were working. –I said quietly, cleaning the table so she can put the breakfast there. I heard her laugh and it sounded weird and distant. Long time has passed since I heard someone laughing. –If you keep slacking you'll end up fired and I don't want you here crying and bitching about it.

-I didn't slack off! Moblit is covering me. Besides, I can't leave you alone, shorty. –she answered, taking out of the bag the white containers. I could smell the bacon and my stomach made an awkward, very loud sound. –See? You'll starve to death if I wasn't here to take care of you.

-Such a helpful soul. –I mumbled, but food was food. Weeks have been gone since the last decent meal I had. My diet was based on a frozen-instant foods line, so this kind gesture was appreciated. I went back to the kitchen to search for clean forks and in the meantime, I heard some thuds at my door, which I ignored. Hanji noticed them too and she asked me about them. –Just some fucking brats throwing eggs. It's the usual. –I handed her a fork. –They do this from a couple months now. Twice a day. I have to go out and clean it by night or the fucking things will rot and God have mercy of that fucking smell.

-Isn't a little bit too early for Halloween pranks? –she asked. I shrugged and I cut a piece of bacon. Heaven knows that when I tasted it, my stomach had an orgasm.

-At least they stopped with their stupid graffiti shit on my car and the front walls. –Hanji looked at me with disbelief, but I wasn't lying. As son as the rumour spread, every single fucking morning I had to deal with an obscene gesture painted on my car or in my dor. I was mad at first, but I learned to ignore it and they gradually stopped. The only things that remained were the eggs and, sometimes, even spits on my door. I was a pariah and, hell, they were putting some effort in making me know that. –How's the business going? –I asked after and awkward silence.

-Quite normal. It's been so relaxed…It seems like people doesn't need some aspirines or medicines anymore. –she explained, smiling. They way Hanji had to smile to me made me feel normal, like if nothing had happened. I've never had a lot of friends, but her (even as the noisy, annoying fucking mess of a woman she was) was the closest friendship I had. Erwin was my friend too, but since he turned into a burocratic pig, licking some even more burocratic asses, we were not in the same wave. But…it was still nice having someone who trusted you. –What about you, Levi? I saw some stuff outside your garage.

-I'm thinking about selling. –I mumbled, cutting a piece of waffle. –I have too much liabilities. My old man told me about a friend of his who likes to buy shit like that, so…

-Even the motocycle?!

-I can see no point in having it anymore. Town's roads aren't made for it. –I wasn't being too sincere about my reasons to sell all my stuff. I just wanted to throw away all the thing that reminded me of Eren. –Besides, I haven't used it in months. It's just a waste of space.

-I thought you were going to open your workshop this summer. –she said, quietly. I knew Hanji meant no hurt but her words were too heavy for me.

-No one wants to come where the killer is, Hanji. –I pointed out, leaving aside my fork, feeling no more hunger. She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn't. –If I have some extra Money after I pay the bills, I'll go out of this shitty town. Erwin said that cleaning my files it's kind of difficult, but not imposible. I only have to wait. I can't stay here anymore.

-You can't? Or you don't want to? –she asked, looking for my eyes. Her voice was pretty serious. I hated when she stopped being a crazy-ass woman to turn into a normal, serious woman. I din't answer and I took again my fork, pretending I was going toe at some more. –I know it's been hard, Levi… -she started. –But it's been three months. I trust in Erwin's habilities to take out of the swamp, so you don't have to leave…Your family is here.

-But she's not anymore. Eren was my home, Hanji. And she's gone. Forever. I have no good reason to stay here. –my voice was too cold, too dry. –I'm just drowning on my own misery and I don't want that… okay?

-…I guess you're right. –she sighed, smiling at me again. Nobody could make change my mind about my decissions. I wanted to leave and that's what I was going to do. –Well, I have to go now. –she pulled out her chair and stood up. –Moblit deserves a rest. I'll call you later, okay? –I nodded. She looked at me for a few more seconds and I could see some pity in her eyes. She left in silence and I heard her making some disgusted noises when she saw the eggs splattered all over my door. But I didn't care. Not anymore.

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 **Well, first times are the best times...I guess? This is a translation for a fic I have in this same account. It has some liiight changes, but it's basically the same thing. Glad to have you here, reading. All the reviews and nice stuff are welcome. I hope you're ready for some angst, frustrating and confusing fanfic. Any questions or doubts...you can message me. Have a nice day!**


	2. Mourn

These characters don't belong to me. They all have their respective creator, I'm just being plain evil with them.

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 **2\. Mourn**

Two hours later, I was parking in front of my old man's house. The Corvette wasn't there, meaning: Mikasa is not home. I was a little relieved. I didn't wanted to talk to her. Not right now. She still hated me. But I was sure the old bastard was at home. Funny thing to think of: I was afraid of my little sister, but not my father. I walked through the white fence, into the front garden. It was a little bit forgotten, but I'm sure Mikasa was taking care of it. Then, the porch. Rough, the wood was practically falling apart from its place. Just as I remembered it. I press the small button to hear the so-known-and-annoying ding-dong and then a heavy, dry cough, caused by a lot of years of cigarrettes and not caring at all about cancer. He opens the door and I can see how his eyes fill slowly with disgust and dissapointment.

-So, the prodigal son finally comes home... -there it is. The snarky comment before the punch in the throat. Here it comes. -What do you want now? You finally got the death row and you're coming to see your beloved father to say your goodbyes? Because yes, it is a bother.

-I left a few boxes. I came to pick them up. -I say, ignoring his whole sarcasm. He doesn't move, looking at me with distrust. -Don't worry. I will not stab you. -the old man smirks, just a little, mumbles something and then, he opens the door just a bit more to let me in.

-Go get your stuff and leave. I told you not to come here ever again, kiddo. -he says as he closes the door, slowly. -A killer, an asshole, a freak and now a deaf. What else are you, besides, of course, being stupid and a dissapointment?

-Nice speech. Should I start crying now or...? -he raises a brow, then shrugs. This insensitive asshole is my father. The same fucker who didn't shed a tear in my mom's funeral, the same prick who said "she was kind of a slut" when I called home to tell him Eren was dead. Yes. I'm not proud and I feel a deep hate everytime I see his face. -Mikasa is working? -I ask, trying to take the conversation to a least tense way.

-Yeah. Why? Now you're planning to go after your sister, too? -God knows how much I wanted to punch him right in the face. Even to kill him, right here, right know. Smashing his fucking head against the floor over and over until that fucking smile dissapeared. I inhale, deeply. "Control your anger, Levi. Control it. Keep it cool." I don't answer, going up the stairs, walking down the small hall to stand right in front of my old room. The door is filled with stupid band stickers. I know my dad uses it as an attic now, so when I open it is no surprise to see it full of boxes and old stuff. I can see some "X-mas" labeled boxes, an old excercising machine and the tool's red, rusty box.

The stuff I'm lookinjg for is n the floor, next to my bed. My whole memories are in a small shoe box. I pick it up, along with another little can, filled with photos and letters, and small notes. I feel some melancholy. The walls have some posters of bands that I don't listen to anymore. There are some books on the bed, but I don't touch them. They're all Eren's. I guess she wouldn't be mad now if I didn't return them, right? Besides, I don' want any more things that reminded me of her. I've had enough mourn.

When I came down again, my father was watching some fishing program on TV. He was ignoring me on prupose, so I returned him the favor and I walked out the house in silence, with the shoe box under my right arm and the little can in the left hand.

 **(***)**

 _-I'm sorry for being a bother...- she said, shyly and, God have mercy, I really wanted to kiss her._

 _-You're not. It's my car. I can give you a ride if I want to. -I say, maybe a little bit to rough, but she smiles and my heart do fucking backflips. -Besides, the piece of crap you drive is now under my supervission._

 _-Respect for the ancient ones! -she says, slapping my arm softly, in a playful manner. -Betsie is a long time friend and a loyal support for me.- she looks outside the window, right at the fence that surrounds her house. She seems like she doesn't want to go out of my car and, being honest, I don't want her to leave._

 _-I'll take care of Bettie._

 _-Betsie._

 _-Yeah, whatever. She's in good hands now. - I let my self brag about my mechanic habilities. I can do that in front of the girl I like, right? I wanted to impress her by doing some repairs on her car. She raised her brows. -What? You don't believe me?_

 _She nodded in a negative way, and a couple chocolate locks fell down of her messy pony tail and she looked so damn hot. I wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to feel her._

 _-Thanks, Levi. -she says, after a moment of brief silence. She doubts a little but, finally, she leans in my direction and kisses my cheek before stepping out of the car._

 _I would be lying if I say I didn't smiled like an idiot for the next 24 hours._

 **(***)**

The only half-decent cafeteria where I was sure I could get some coffee without some bastard spitting in it was, ironically, the one I saw Eren for the last time. It was called Garrison's and seeing the large neon Rose sparkling up in the evening sky made me feel like a masochist. I didn't know why I was trying to keep alive the last memories I had with Eren. It just made me feel worse, miserable, lost. Even angry. I pushed the glass door with one hand, listening how the little bell on top of it rang, driving all the attention to me. Luckily for me, just a pair of eyes, fearful looks. I sighed as the murmurs started and I tried to ignore them while I was walking toward the closest table.

-Levi? -I turned around as I heard my name, just to find Petra standing right behind me, a little confused and maybe a little nervous, but not scared. Or disgusted. That was a relief. -What are you...doing here?

-Can't I come for some coffee? -I asked, raising a brow. Please, don't reject me too. Please. I couldn't live with instant coffee...I couldn't live without this last place. Please.

-No, no...It's okay. I mean...It's been a while. -she said, smiling a little, taking off her front pocket a little notebook and a pen. -Take a sit and I will take your order. -I did as she said, but I didn't even took a look to the menu. -You want...dark coffee, as usual, right?

-Please. No sugar. -she scribbled down while I reached for a napking, starting to unfold it and fold it again, as a recient anxious thing I got from all the stress. -I thought you didn't worked here anymore.

-Half-time. Just enough to save some extra money. -Then, I remembered. Petra always wanted to travel, to do and to be more than just another town girl. She was beautiful, smart and kind. She was born to be part of big stuff. The town wasn't enough for her and we both knew it. -I almost make it.

-That's nice. -I honestly said. -You'll get a job wherever you want. Leave this town as long as you can. Some of us are chained to this shitty place. -Petra's smile went smaller, but she didn't said anything. She just turned around and went to get my coffee.

I found myself thinking about the time we spend together as a couple. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less. It was just before Eren came into my life. I knew things could never work between me and Petra. She needed someone to look after and I knew how to take care of myself. You can say we were together just to see if it was real or we just wanted a nice fuck. And sex was good, I must admit it. But we weren't meant to be. She had her dreams, her passions and she was decided to run after them. I wasn't so lucky. It wasn't the first time I lost somebody that really mattered to me, but still, I couldn't get used to the fucking feeling of emptiness and mourn. Maybe God or Whoever was decided to fuck me up. To take away from the things I loved the most. Maybe I didn't deserved those things because, and I know it, I'm an asshole. A clean-freak, senseless asshole. Maybe that's why I can't have nice things.

-Here's your coffee.- I saw how Petra placed the steaming cup in front of me and I couldn't help but smile just a bit. It wasn't a sincere smile, neither a happy one. It was just a simple gesture. -Levi? -she asked, not leaving immediatly. I saw her from the corner of my eye. Petra was nervous, I noticed because of her fingers, playing with the fringe of her t-shirt. She inhaled deeply. -I'm sorry about what happened with Eren. Really. I mean...she was so young... I just can't imagine who could ever do that to her.

When my mother died, ten years ago, I heard a lot of people giving and sharing my father's mourn (if the prick could feel any of that). They seemed sad, as sad as I was. But I knew that they really didn't understood their sadness. They could still go on with their lives, meanwhile me and my sister were left alone with a lame excuse of a father. You can really feel the mourn and the loss when it happens to you. Empathy is just an excuse but I know they thought "Thank God that's not me". And that's what I felt with Petra at the time. She was apologizing for something that she didn't really cared about. Not that much.

-Me neither. -I mumbled, taking a sip from the cup, burning my tongue in the process. -Shit happens.

-Don't say it like that, Levi... I'm sure everything is going to be alright.

-You can say it just because you're not the one they're blaming. Every single fucking person in this town hates me and I'm sure they want to see me getting fried in the chair. -I said that out loud, making sure people around me could hear me. So they knew that I didn't give a shit about their dark fucking intentions. -It's not going to be alright, Petra.

She opened her mouth to say something, but she remained quiet. Petra placed a hand on top of mine and squeezed it just a bit.

-I am sorry, Levi. I really am.

Petra turned around and left, leaving me alone with my coffee and the painful sensation of pity. I was really sorry too. I really wanted things to change, I wanted to believe that Erwin could save my ass from jail. I wanted to think that it was just a bad joke.

I took another sip from my coffee and I got another burn.

-Shit happens. -I repeated to myself.

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 **So...here's a little flashback. Thank you for the reviews. I'll put this thing in AO3 too, so go there, please c: Thanks again and keep reading!**


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